HEAVY DRINKER OR an alcoholic?

 "The classic picture of an alcoholic is someone who always drinks too much and whose life is falling apart because of it. But that's not always the reality. Some people seem to be go about life just fine even though they abuse alcohol (WebMD). Experts call these people “high-functioning" alcoholics.  You can still be an alcoholic even though you have a great “outside life,” with a job that pays well, home, family, friendships, and social bonds, says Sarah Allen Benton, a licensed mental health counselor and author of Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic.

Although it’s now officially called “alcohol use disorder,” you’ll still hear a lot of people talking about “alcoholism”. ... It's a condition that ranges from mild to moderate to severe. And it’s all still problem drinking, even if you think it's “mild.”"  (Source: WebMD) 

If you have ever confronted an addict with their behavior and finally ended up realizing you might as well be talking to a brick wall, you have felt a frustration common to many of us. Or maybe you were just as deep in denial as the rest of us. After all your loved one couldn’t have a real problem! There would be too much shame associated with that to face up to it. That only happens in other families. Here, we are braver than that. Alcoholism is an illness. It's a disease of the mitochondria that can affect your liver too.[1] 

Don’t alcoholics drink out of paper bags and live in the gutter? Aren’t they jobless and homeless?  Not really, according to the NIH National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), most alcoholics are younger (52.5%) and still functional.  Another 38.5% are middle aged and functional. See the article: https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/researchers-identify-alcoholism-subtypes.

[1] https://www.nature.com/articles/s41392-020-0128-8 

 Excessive drinking is viewed as a major public health problem that results in 88,000 deaths a year, from causes that include alcohol poisoning and liver disease, to car accidents and other accidental deaths. Excessive drinking is defined as drinking too much at one time or over the course of a week. For men, it’s having five or more drinks in one sitting or 15 drinks or more during a week. For women, it’s four drinks on one occasion or eight drinks over the course of a week. Underage drinkers and women who drink any amount while pregnant also are defined as “excessive drinkers.” 

If you have ever confronted an addict with their behavior and finally ended up realizing you might as well be talking to a brick wall, you have felt a frustration common to many of us. Or maybe you were just as deep in denial as the rest of us. After all your loved one couldn’t have a real problem! There would be too much shame associated with that to face up to it. That only happens in other families. Here, we are braver than that. Alcoholism is an illness. It is a disease of the mitochondria that affects your liver.[1] 

Don’t alcoholics drink out of paper bags and live in the gutter? Aren’t they jobless and homeless?  Well not really, according to the NIH National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), most alcoholics are younger (52.5%) and still functional.  Another 38.5% are middle aged and functional. See the article:https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/researchers-identify-alcoholism-subtypes.

[1] https://www.nature.com/articles/s41392-020-0128-8 

Are you trying to control how much they drink? Is it working? No? Then you may be feeling quite powerless or helpless. You may think that if you love them enough, you should be able to help them, right?   Well the truth is that our instinct on how to help an addict will usually backfire.  Our instincts are usually 180 degrees off course.  Enabling an dysfunctional person to function by making excuses for them may just keep the situation going on as it is.

JMHP.org presents solid mechanics on working the 12 steps used in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon and many other recovery groups around the world.  A key step for you, the one watching the person go downhill, is to focus on your own emotional health as it is easy to get overwrought. We will talk about the process of picking out a Higher Power. You choose the higher power you want.  That choice is totally up to you. I am sharing my experience, strength and hope with you for you to take and use as you see fit. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Are we so wrapped up with trying to enable or control an alcoholic that we have lost ourselves? If so, you are not alone. Over 20 million Americans struggle with addiction and many don’t get the treatment they need. Insurance many times doesn’t cover the cost[1]  Why are the rooms of recovery not overflowing with those seeking help? It is because of a powerful effect called denial. Many have tried to confront a loved one with their problem only to be met with very angry words and a statement that they do not have a problem and are ‘just fine’. Just as those with addictions have patterns of behavior, those dealing with addictions have patterns of behavior too.

[1]  From https://www.shatterproof.org/learn/addiction-basics/addiction-in-america?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgPGVprD18wIVC7rICh3lxAKNEAAYASAAEgJKp_D_BwE 

Those who are parents, spouses and children of alcoholics or addicts have pressing questions that arise daily and demand answers. If drugs or gambling are the problem in your case, just substitute that for alcohol in the generic cases below. Here are a few scenarios:

My son is 27 years old and is a heavy drinker, as are the rest of the family. He lost a good job and then he lost his apartment so he moved back in with me. I really think he hangs out with the wrong type of people. I don’t want him to be homeless as I would worry too much.  I feel like I failed him. I think he is lying to me about where he goes at night. I struggle with a lack of trust. We are paying his cell phone bill to keep in touch with him. Am I enabling him? How do I make him realize that his life is going downhill so he will stop drinking? Why can’t he see it? 

My spouse embarrasses me at parties. Is he just a heavy drinker or really an alcoholic? I tried keeping up with him when he drinks, but that doesn’t work. We both tried to stop drinking completely once, but he lasted only a month. He apologized so profusely when he got drunk, that I believed him when he said he would never do that again. He says he only drinks on weekends now, so it is under control. Lately he can’t get up in the mornings to go to work. If I don’t cover for him, he will lose his job.  So I call his boss and say he is sick.  

When I ask him is he is OK to drive, he always says "Yes", but I am never sure. I am very afraid of being in a car with him at night.  The bills are not getting paid, and he does not seem to care. I am not even getting the basics of what I need out of the relationship. I feel so hopeless about this relationship.  We just can't seem to talk to each other and I do not know what is wrong.  

My parents yell and scream at each other every night. It is usually about money or something that happened a long time ago. They get drunk every night but the next day, they do not seem to remember anything they said or did. I am always afraid of what will happen next or that someone will get hurt. Once on a really bad night, I called 911 when I was afraid that Dad would really hurt my Mom this time. The police came but my parents told them that I was just a child and was overreacting and there really was no problem at all. I was told never to call 911 again or I would really get into trouble.  Did I do the wrong thing? It seemed very real and scary to me at the time.

Does any of this sound familiar?  If so, come visit an Al-Anon meeting online.

You are not crazy. Yes, alcoholism is a scary illness which is hard to understand! It is huge. It smells bad, but you can’t talk about it! Is there an elephant in your living room?  The phrase 'elephant in the living room' refers to an addiction which no one will admit to or talk about. This phenomenon of the invisible elephant is called denial. You see it, but no one else wants to see it.  Denial prevents millions of people from getting help. 

One very peculiar aspect of the disease of Alcoholism is that it keeps the person from realizing that they have a problem! That is why it is a called a ‘cunning and baffling’ disease.  Family members become exhausted, frustrated, angry and resentful end up in a 12 step meetings for help. Meanwhile the alcoholic may be continually praised by non-family members as "such a nice guy!'.

Help is available locally and online.  Al-Anon is for friends and family members of alcoholics. Try an online meeting. Search for your zip code and “Al-Anon meetings”. You can get a list of local and online Al-Anon meetings here. 

Here are some questions to help you recognize the elephant in your living room:

1. Is your life one long monitoring exercise of who said what to whom and what crisis happened next? 
2. Do you count the empty bottles or search for hidden alcohol?
3. Are you worried about how the alcoholic is making a series of bad life choices?
4. Do you think they will not repeat this behavior?
5. Have they dropped out of college more than once or lost a series of jobs?
6. Are you blaming their behavior on the friends they have?
7. Have they totaled their car - more than once?
8. Do they keep promising that they will quit forever and then can't?
9. Do they seem to become increasingly isolated?
10. Do they keep manipulating you into giving them money? 
11. Do they know how to push your buttons to make you feel guilty when you refuse to help them?
12. Is life a jagged series of broken promises?
13. Do you worry about them getting killed in a car crash or killing someone else?
14. If you have confronted them about the drinking have you been met with a surprisingly angry outburst and told you are wrong even though you can rationally point to evidence?
15. Are the in laws / relatives clueless about this problem?

 Denial is not a river in Egypt. Get help now. It is free.  So attend a meeting on line.