How do you Work the Steps?

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Step one is a good place to start.  Frustration with the effects of drinking can lead to feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness.  Having a relationship with an alcoholic often causes an unmanageable life and a frazzled family. We may move from crisis to crisis.  It may feel like living on a rollercoaster.  Step one is a new beginning as it tells us there is something wrong that no one may be admitting.  Come to a meeting and learn about the three Cs:   We Didn’t Cause it, We Can’t Control it and We Can’t Cure it.   

Their drinking is NOT your fault.  Whether you are a parent, spouse, or child of an alcoholic, you are not the cause of the drinking.  You may be getting blamed for it by them, but it is not your fault. Alcoholics do not like the fact that they can't stop drinking. They want to slip back into denial and getting drunk makes that happen. They often need someone to blame to make it easier to take that next drink guilt free. Relationships suffer. As this is a progressive disease, their life narrows down after a series of losses over the years (job, friends and family) and eventually becomes focused on getting that next drink.  

The 12 steps are a process for healing.  This is not something that can be rushed.  Proceed at your own pace and in your own way.

 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 

Does your life seem crazy? Are you always waiting for the next bad thing to happen?  Do you want to hope that there is a way out of living under the dominion of fear and anger?   There is a way out but it takes time to learn a different way of reacting. Your situation did not get this way overnight, and it won't get fixed overnight.  Attending meetings helps a lot. Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics.  Alateen meetings is for children of alcoholics. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is for the alcoholics. It may be very hard to go to the first meeting, but if anything said on this website resonates with you, we think you will realize that you are in the right place.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

This sounds like a major decision. How can we develop courage and trust?  What if we do not even believe in God?  No problem! Many people attend Al-Anon and Alateen who are of very different belief systems.  Many people pick their home group as a Higher Power.  The collective wisdom of the group is a powerful way to learn more about the disease and start to get off the rollercoaster of the crises. 

 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

How can we help the alcoholic?  What can we do for them to get them to stop drinking?  What is our part in this?  We learn that no situation is so hopeless that it cannot become better. Learn how not to contribute to the craziness.  That starts with an inventory of how we react to their disease. 

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Own your reactions and step off the roller coaster.  But please, can't it stop moving first? When one is upset and hopeless, it is hard to realize just how this emotional state has affected our communications. Has our life, like the alcoholics, become increasing focused on the drinking more than the rest of our world?  That is an obsession in itself.  Whoops...

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired?  Changing one's reactions is not easy. In step 4 we figure out exactly what to change. Here in this step we develop the desire to get a negative trait out of our life. 

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 

We all make mistakes. Honestly looking at ourselves and listening to what other people say about us can help uncover a blind spot.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 

Write it down.  In Al-Anon and AA, another member can be asked to be your sponsor.  Sponsors can help a lot. They can point us to resources, share their wisdom, and be a friend to call when we are in despair.  They can also listen to our inventory. 

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 

Different situations can call for different types of amends.  This can be scary as we do not know how someone will react when we try to make amends.  They may still be too angry at us to discuss the topic, or they might not even remember that we did anything.  You just do not know ahead of time how important it was to them. Sometimes it is appropriate to write a letter, make a phone call, or invite someone over for lunch.  Think about your approach. It may be different for each person. This can be just a little tricky, like what if they have passed away?  You can always write a letter and not mail it.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

Like step 4, honesty is the key here. Keep a short list and exhale.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

This is my absolute favorite step.  I get to spend time with my Higher Power.  This is how I recharge my batteries.  I may read or watch something for my emotional health or just listen to music.

 Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried  to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all  our affairs. 

Once we have worked all the steps, we will see how we have grown.  We celebrate our wins and share them with someone else. Here is where we turn our focus away from us to those who are still struggling.

 © Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps, copyright 1996 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.